Definition of a Man

Where do females find their definition of a man … honestly?

For a long time, I have wondered this. So many women (and I use the term loosely in this post) are holding “skip rocks” in the palms of their hands and treating them as if they’re diamonds and pearls. Growing up with a young mother and an absent father, I have been fortunate enough to be rushed into independence at an early age; allowing me to smell bullshit early. I’ve wondered, from time to time, what it would be like to have a father around to replace the many guys who were only present to break my mother off when they assumed I was asleep. I have watched and heard my mother’s satisfaction, pains, and habits due to dealing with, what she considers, men. I have watched other women in my family date Brothers who are broke and verbally abusive, who are alcoholics who appear to lose one tooth a day, who are stalkers that live with their mothers and get raped by racist men on job hunts (then come back home with no traumatic side effects, like that shit is normal), and are alcoholics that do not know how to watch their mouths in front of children. I have watched Sisters, outside of family, get into relationships time and time again; happy to be claimed by someone just to eventually be single with a baby. So what is it that women see or do not see? I sure as hell do not know. What I have witnessed women go through with my eyes as a child and a teenager, I still witness today with the eyes of a more conscious adult.

Men have many disparities in regards to how good of a man he is at taking care of his woman, children, and responsibilities. However, despite personality differences, each man shares the same common foundation. Based on my experiences, I will tell you what a woman should see, understand, and look for when calling a person a man. Because of this post, we will understand the common foundation that makes a person a man.

Women say a lot of good things about fellas, but they too often share their two cents about a shortage of men, what men are suppose to do, and what real men are suppose to say. This post is not designed to talk about the good nor the bad. However, those with many negative things to say about men aren’t complimentary to one or have no idea what a man is. On the contrary, fellas who give ladies so many false impressions of a man, and consider themselves to be one, need to take a harder look at themselves without a mirror. A problem that most males have, in regards to growth and development, is due to not having the ability to sit in a quiet room and listen (to their thoughts, of course).  Also, a problem with a lot of females is that they do not understand what it is about a woman that enables a man to arrive. This post is also designed to give ladies and gentlemen a clear vision of what a man is, beyond his gender. It is not to say that I am right and others are wrong, but it is to share what I have learned and believe from experience, reflection, and having time in a quiet room to listen and reflect.

A woman cannot define a man, nor can a man define a woman, but a woman can only agree and/or disagree to a man. No female can look at a male and decide if he is a man or not through his appearance. Nor can she pull adjectives out of a hat and stereotypically define what a man is. Each and every man is still a unique individual. Like women, men define themselves individually; providing society with a definition of who he is as a person. Based on a woman’s observations, she can agree or disagree to someone being a man. If over time we notice that a man’s actions are consistently in line with his words, then he is only half of a man. However, when his actions are not aligned with his words and/or if his “true colors” appear after a period of time, then he was never a man to begin with; he is not who he said he was.

Even though promises are delivered by the mouth, they are not words. They are kept and broken through action. Promises are actions. A Man is his actions, his promise.

A common scenario for illustration:

The typical male approaches a female telling her how beautiful she is, what he has, and that he would do A,B, and C for her. He also talks about the things he would never do to hurt any woman in any relationship. But for the typical male, after fornicating for a while or once things start to become inconvenient, he starts to change and not do the very things he said he would do anymore. However, he may continue to do “A, B, and C” only so a woman can keep providing him with whatever security she provides him with and/or so he may have easy sexual access. A lot of times this type of guy will begin doing things that hurt women, even the things that he promised he wouldn’t do to hurt any woman in any relationship. So now another woman is broken, hurt, and confused. What she thought she had, she does not have and never did. But because she has invested so much of herself, she holds on to the child she assumed was her man, hoping he’ll change back to the man she thought he was and he will stop being the boy he currently is.

A man does not falter. He is who he says he is even if there are any inconveniences or discomfort. That is what makes a man beautiful. No matter the storm, he will always be.

We must not confuse girls with women. I have come to learn that women (unlike girls) don’t care as much as we think they do about what kind of car a man is driving, how much money he is making, or what type of clothes he has on his back. The ultimate security that a woman really needs, is honesty. When a man tells a woman who he is and what he does, and she accepts that man for his words, then his actions ought to be genuine and reflective of his words. Being a man is not easy or convenient all the time; it is hard. But then again, that is why a man is beautiful.

A man is not defined by gender or age, a man is judged by his character. Even a baby boy has a penis, a teenager can reproduce, and an adult can be as immature and irresponsible as a child. The presence of a man is not seen with the eye; his actions are, but not the man himself. Like a woman, a man has no form; we are invisible. We cannot look around and pick a man out of a crowd. If we attempt to look for a man, as if we can point him out, our odds at being successful are slim. Instead, all that we will find is an individual. As we get to know a person as an individual, we will be able to define them correctly by their characteristics. Where many of us go wrong is that we commit to the individual before we meet their character; we accept the role without reading the script. This world has created many characters of people; a man is one of the many characters a male can be.

In addition to a man being one who never falters, a man is also defined by headship. A man having headship does not mean he is an oppressor; it’s his ability to take responsibility of all that is his, including his woman, his children, and his work. Often, when couples get into heated arguments the male partner will come up with a bunch of excuses and even blame situations on his woman, his children, his work, and even society; he does not accept responsibility for his actions. A male of such lacks headship. Instead, a man will take ownership of a problem (even if he didn’t do anything wrong) and resolve the situation. Once a man takes ownership of a situation, everything will fall into place. Men are effective problem solvers who understand the principles of responsibility: headship.

To conclude, a man is only but two things when we speak of men as a whole. Individually, a woman will have to figure out for herself what type of man she has. Again, each man is unique. We cannot pick up a book, listen to another man or woman, or read a blog post to understand a man as an individual. All men have different tastes, wants, needs, desires, and experiences from one another. What turns one on can turn another completely off. However, all men have two things in common. These two factors are the only traits a woman should look for to confirm that she has a man:

1. He is by action who he is by mouth, despite inconvenience.

Many women are jumping into relationships and settling for individuals based on conversation and not action. This is wrong. If a man is really interested in you, and you are really interested in yourself, patience will be applied. If a man wants you, he doesn’t need a title to take care of you or be your friend. He will seek  your approval through his actions. Through his actions is how he tells you that he loves you and wants to be your man; not by his words, but by his work.

2. He takes responsibility for all that is his, even if he is not the direct cause of an issue.

He doesn’t argue with his woman nor yell at his kids. Not only does he solve his own problems but he will help solve the problems of his wife, significant other, and his children. He does not point the finger at other people because of his actions, re-actions, and lack of action.

It is not about the man in your life, it is about the life in your man.

There are a lot of men out here, decent and indecent. Just because a person is a man, that does not mean he is a good one, or the right one for you. You may now wonder where all of the good men are located, or at least the majority of them. They are everywhere as well, but I will tell you how they arrive in another post. Anyway, understanding a person’s individuality is essential; that is why you must become friends first. In order to advance into something more exclusive than a friendship, it is wise to ensure that there is a man inside of that friend of yours. He may still be a child making transitions in to becoming the man he wants to be. And until you have confirmed that he is who he says he is, and that he is responsible, you are to remain friends and nothing more. Do not open your legs, do not open your heart, and do not display any type of affection and intimacy that you have saved for the man you wish to marry. Also, do not think of committing until you see a man inside of that person and until that person sees, and has committed to, the woman inside of you; through action not words alone.

It may be hard to grasp that a man is nothing but two things: his word and his headship. A woman’s preconceived notions complicate the understanding of what a man is. When we begin pulling out a list of good qualities in men, we are just acknowledging specific traits of men as individuals, not what men are as a whole. In order for a man to have any traits and qualities to begin with, a man has to first exist. Regardless of the positive or negative qualities a male has, he is not a man unless he provides security by aligning his words with his actions while employing his headship by accepting responsibility for all that belongs to him. He has to display both qualities, not one or the other, or else he is only half a man; which is still equivalent to not being a man at all.

As we move forward, I hope individuals who strive to be men and women really grasp an understanding of what a man is. In doing so, we can avoid wasting time, energy, and emotion in places that are camouflaged in bullshit.

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One Comment on “Definition of a Man”

  1. A. Lowe
    August 21, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    Valuable insight, sir.
    I appreciated the challenge of making my actions match my words on a consistent basis. …and the unilateral responsibility of headship.

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